Breakup Etiquette

While I was sitting in my car during my daily nightmarish commute in the wee hours of the morn', I heard something interesting on the radio regarding things you loved as a kid but now hate as an adult.

"Hmm", I thought to myself, this should be interesting. Let's see how adult I am!

Then I heard the list from the hosts and the callers, such as:

• Gushers
• Spaghetti-O's
• Fruit Roll Ups
• Fish Sticks
• Cap'n Crunch
• Cinnamon Toast Crunch
• Apparently all sugary cereals
• Chicken Nuggets
• Kraft Mac & Cheese
• Cheese n' Crackers (you know, the one with that red stick!?)

Wait a minute... aside from fish sticks, which I can't remember ever eating, I still currently love all of the above. I mean, what's wrong with the Blue Box Blues people!? Does this mean I'm less of an adult? Should I retreat back to the fourth grade, embrace nap time, play scatch-it in the streets with neighborhood friends and fight with my mom about brushing my teeth before bed?

I'm getting off topic here. The point I'm trying to make is that I don't think my food choices make me less adult-like. There are things that come across my mind that prove just how mature and awesome I am. Honestly, I have no idea how I got here on most occasions, nor do I care to question how this happened to me.

One thing I know for sure that proves to myself just how much I've metamorphacized (that's a word, trust me) over time is my abiding desire to avoid fakeness, bullshit and drama, particularly when it comes to relationships. I've had my fill of one dramatic breakup after another, and the next guy I endure a breakup with, I am sure it will go something like this:

Me: Hey guy-I'm-dating. This isn't really working out for me. But I still think you're bad ass, and we still have fun together. How about we take a step back, chill out the romance, and just be best buds, mmkaythanks?

Guy-I'm-Dating: You're awesome too. I really enjoyed our time together. It would be my pleasure to remain friends with you. Thank you for being upfront with me. Did I mention I think you're awesome. Let's go get frozen yogurt!

(I swear this happens in real life.)

In the event the breakup looks more like...

I WISH I NEVER MET YOU!!!!!!

...then you're left with figuring out how to divide up all of your movies and mutual friends. Come to think of it, what exactly are you supposed to do with all of the friends you made together during the course of the relationship? Most times you adopt his friends and vice versa. If the relationship ends, then what? You have to lose your boyfriend, your new friends, and your dignity all at the same time? That's a pretty big blow if you ask me.

No one writes about these situations. There's books, magazine articles, online journals, and blogs dedicated to relationships and how to end them maturely. What about the friends left behind? How do you breakup with your ex's friends? They had no say in your breakup, and now they are left to choose sides. It's really not fair to them.

I think the way to go in these scenarios is to suck it up, grow a pair and live happily ever after amongst all your new friends and ex's. Then bunny rabbits, and butterflies will appear and a rainbow will lead the way to your happily ever after.

The end.