You've Got it Made

The battle of the sexes has been a long standing debate for decades. Longer actually. I'm pretty sure Freud had his own take on the gender battle (penis envy anyone?). Books have been popping up on Barnes and Noble's shelves for as long as I remember. Men are from Mars; Women are from venus, right? So, here comes the age old question: whose life is easier and whose life is harder? I don't want to point fingers at men about how easy their lives are; they've got their own set of issues. I certainly wouldn't like to know what it feels like to get kicked in the balls. I just don't think men truly grasp just how much more pleasant life is for them. I know I hear men complaining about having to foot the bill on dates, and about juggling multiple women at a time without them finding out about one another, and about learning how to fix things around the house so their penis feels bigger, but really, none of that compares to what it's like to live with a yeast infection.

Call me biased, but I definitely think women have the short end of the stick, and I'm not just saying that because I own a vagina. I asked a number of men to name things that suck about being a man and all of their responses were so typical and superficial.

Complaints from men:
1. Having to be the first one to go out and check for danger - we ruined our once flat stomachs and tight asses to house and birth your children. Grab the baseball bat and take your ass downstairs to see what that noise was.

2. Not being able to stay home and take care of the kids - by all means, please stay home. Guaranteed you'll resent me working all the time, and for not spending enough time with the family and you will inevitably feel like less of a man for staying home and changing diapers. Don't worry honey, I promise you that your penis is still the same size. It'll be okay.

3. Insurance is higher and we die younger - I just spent the past 12 hours huddled into a ball full of nausea and unbearable cramps. Fuck you and your higher insurance. I'd also gladly shave a couple of years off my life if it meant I didn't have to go fake labor every single month for three quarters of my life.

4. Inevitable, irreversible loss of hair - last time I checked, women lose their hair too. Plus we can't get away with shaving our heads without looking like a cancer patient. Bald men are cool. Look at Bruce Willis. Suck it.

5. Pressure to provide for your family - in these times, both parents are full-time working adults, yet it's still typically the woman who gets the kids to school, gets home on time, cooks for the family, cleans up the house, does homework with the children and gets pulled away from life every time Junior has a tummy ache. You get no sympathy!

6. That damn "honey-do" list - I'm pretty sure we're making you feel more like a man by solving our household problems and opening the pickle jars. Don't act like you hate it. We're really doing you a favor by stroking your super manly and insecure egos.

7. Sexual satisfaction is solely on us - trust me, if it was as simple as a breeze hitting my vag in just the right way to satisfy me too, I wouldn't need your help.

8. The expectation to be "manly" all the time - I can't speak for other women, but a man whose vulnerable enough to be emotional in front of me is sexy and inviting. This shows me that you might be one of the few that actually has a soul. Maybe it'll also mean you'll listen to me when I'm talking. I don't want to get ahead of myself though.

9. Expectation from society - oh pah-leeeeze! Women don't have societal expectations?! I was raised to be just as educated as you. I went to school like you. I developed a well rounded sense of being like you. I have an amazing career like you. Yet, I'm still obligated to maintain our house, raise our children, and look like a super model while doing it. Plus sized models are now a size 6. Does anyone realize how detrimental this is to a woman's self esteem? I'd be quick to stab you in the jugular to obtain a size 6 waistline.

10. Having to deal with women, who are by nature, annoying and irrational - how can I put this politely? Go fuck yourself. When was the last time you bled for a week and felt rational? Get back to me when that happens.

Okay - I know women are hard to tolerate sometimes. I will be the first to admit that dealing with a woman who doesn't think she's nuts is probably the worst kind of woman to be around. I would like to point out that I am not in denial, nor am I ignorant to the cold hard fact that I am out of my fucking mind, and absolutely annoying. I mean, if I can annoy myself, I can only imagine how other people are tolerating me. Keep something in mind though (and I've mentioned this before): this isn't exactly our faults. This is biology. Our hormonal cycle changes literally every, single day that we are alive. Men don't have to deal with this. You'd be all emotional and batty too if your hormone levels were at a civil war inside your uterus.

And as if ruining our bodies for babies, dealing with cramps, shoving mounds of cotton inside to stop the  blood festival, and developing an array of horrifying vaginal infections every time we take an antibiotic wasn't bad enough. Let's keep in mind that cancer causing STD's are from men. They host the disease and infect unsuspecting uteruses (uteri? uteruses? I digress) with cancer causing HPV. Not okay. I don't see how that is sexually satisfying at all. I'll take that cold breeze any day now.