I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

How many people actually fall into the lives they've always dreamt about? I'm going to assume that only 1% of us become the person we always dreamt we would. The rest of us just learn to develop more realistic dreams as we get older. When I was 6 I dreamt of owning a pizzeria. Little did I know I would fear the kitchen in my old age. When I was 7 I dreamt of becoming a teacher. As it turns out, I can't stand a giant room full of anyone of any age, especially under the age of 18. When I was in fourth grade, it was my life goal to be a marine biologist because I loved dolphins so much. Did you know you have to study every form of science and math imaginable to get that degree? Yeah, I didn't realize that either back then. In junior high I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing something that involved speaking French all the time. This was always a language I was fascinated with since early childhood, and finally had the chance to learn the language in school. To this day, the only type of French conversation I can hold sounds something like this:

"Hello. My name is Heather. It is hot (or cold) outside. I would like a an omelet please. I am going to go to the store. I love you. Good bye my friend!"

I'm fairly certain I need to learn a few more key conversational phrases before I can move to France.

When adolescence set in I gave up on career goals. Instead, I focused on short term dreams. I dreamt of being a Spice Girl. I dreamt of how I was going to be able to stay out past curfew. I dreamt of sucking face with a cute boy. I dreamt of having hair that wasn't frizzy to the point of being gravity defying. I dreamt of owning a cell phone. I dreamt of the array of colors I wanted my best friend to paint my toe nails. I dreamt of green tea and hummus.

(Does the word 'dreamt' sound funny to you now too?)

When I approached young adulthood, I had developed a dream of being materialistic. Not in the sense that would make me high maintenance; I would never impose my materialisticness upon a boyfriend or future husband. Instead I just thought it was best to destroy my financial stability and credit to purchase designer perfumes, purses, sunglasses, clothes, shoes, watches, cars and diamonds. I am now suffocated by debt for living in the "lap of luxury" since 2003. Actually, other than my car and impressive perfume collection, I really couldn't prove what I spent all of this money on.

Now in my mid-twenties, I dream of extremely realistic concepts. I dream that I can afford rent next month. I dream that I can show up at my Aunt's house at the exact moment dinner is done. I dream that someone will do my laundry for me. I dream that I will one day be able to cook something that doesn't involve unwrapping a frozen pizza and shoving it on the oven. I dream that Verizon Wireless will mess up and allow me to upgrade my phone early. I dream of being able to dance all night in a club without sweating like Richard Simmons.

...Okay I still dream of shoes too.

But most importantly, I dream of eliminating all of my debt. It's a really daunting task when I actually start to calculate just how much I owe to everyone:

1. School loans - this is just for undergrad, that I still have two years left in. Let's not discuss what grad school is going to cost me.
2. Car loan - My car will probably be stolen for parts before I'm able to pay it off.
3. Bank of America - why did you think it was a good idea to give a 22 year old child a $10,000 limit?! This is entirely your fault.
4. Staten Island University Hosptial - I didn't eat any of the food when I stayed in the hospital, and I certainly didn't ask to wear your hopsital gowns.
5. Blue Cross Blue Shield - You just suck on principle.
6. Macy*s - Did you really think making me a platinum AMEX member was the best business decision? Really?

I blame you all for making me a stereotypical, irresponsible, debt riddled American. I'm just waiting for someone to tell me that working full time, going to school 3/4 time and working part time as a waitress on the weekends will help me become a well rounded human being, so I can burn their soul from the inside out with my glares of evil disdain.

Dating Adventures in the DC Metro Area

It's been just over a year since my epic move down south and I have yet to find any kind of social network, let alone a decent man to date. I'm definitely not complaining; my forced alone time has helped me to become one with myself. However, I will admit that after moving down here I thought I would somehow find my dating mecca, since I hadn't any luck in the greater New York region. With pieces of my broken heart in tow, I opted for the still slightly looked down upon world of Internet dating.

Question: Why is it that online dating is still looked at as this taboo thing that only creepers, weirdos, and losers partake in? I still feel slilghtly sheepish after meeting someone online to admit to my friends and family where I actually met this guy.

Anywho, I re-established an old favorite and tried two new sites, one including OKcupid.com. Now enter the weirdos du jour:

1. Bonjour Monsieur French Guy!

An honest to god Frenchman, living here in America for 10 years, enrolled in grad school, planning to pursue a law degree, and a military veteren. He was very good on paper. Win.

He lived an hour away in Maryland, and agreed to come to my neck of the woods for dinner. Granted his English was spot on, there was still a language barrier, and my sarcasm didn't always make sense to him. He always overindulged in using the work "fuck", which gave this, one of my favorite words, almost no meaning at all.

We did end up kissing a bit, after he whispered French nothings in my ear. I swear, he could have been quietly telling me his plans to murder and dismember me later on that night, but it was still definitely VERY hot. He had decided to tell me that he will never peform oral pleasures on a woman during our next date, which came completely from left field. My first instintual reaction was "they still make people like you!?" We continued to chat for a little while, but things got VERY strange when one morning while running late to work he flipped out on me for not texting him by 8am. He swore up and down that "something was up".

Listen here little buddy:
a. stop being so paranoid
b. you aren't my boyfriend
c. you're a psycho

Shortly after his phone call flip out, I stopped speaking to him, only to have a very interesting text message conversation some weeks later (after I deleted his number) about how I'll pine over him forever, that I'm a whore for moving on, and immature for deleting his number. Seriously? Go back to France.

 2. Bryan, the commitaphobe Air Force guy who disappeared like a theif in the night.

I met this gem a few weeks before Thanksgiving. Things were going fairly well I thought. He took me out for sushi dinner for our first date. Sure, there were things that were slightly off, such as the oddly placed Calvin and Hobbs tattoo on his forearm, or his really terrible taste in attire, or his even worse taste in music. I could overlook those things, or at least help him dress better. He was tall, and handsome, and things seemed like they could have potential. And then *POOF* he was gone. He stopped answering his phone, his texts and his emails. I'm no stalker, and there wasn't much invested, so I took the hint and kept it moving onto another weirdo.

Wouldn't you know that he decided to pop up some weeks later, declaring his sincere appologies, and asked for my friendship, which I graciously extended. Only to find out no more that 48 hours later he stopped talking to me because he met someone. That doesn't seem very friendly, does it?!

3. "Shoulder Boy"!

I honestly can't remember his name at the moment. Perhaps it'll come to me later on. It was around Christmastime, so he suggested we go to a dinner and live performance event. Nothing too fancy, a group of local performers doing their own version of Scrooge. He was very polite, pulled out my chair. He did mention almost immediately that he would be paying for everything, so to order what ever I wanted. I didn't think much of it until he mentioned it several times over and over again that he would be paying for everything. Um... thanks?

We went out another time for sushi when I realized I was MUCH taller than him. I also learned he was strangely responsible for taking care of his live-in jobless brother, his jobless brother's jobless wife and their children. He was also entirely too proper for me, in an uppity snobbish fashion. I decided I couldn't stand the site of him any more after we went to the movies to see an action/drama and he proceeded to put his head on my shoulder. Perhaps I would have thought this was sweet if I liked him as a person, but instead all I wanted to do was rip my shoulder out from underneath his giant head and make him sit up straight in his chair like the adult he was supposed to be.

4. Jack the Unemployed Masturbator - Enough said.

5. "2.0"

After ending a short term healthy relationship over the summer, this was my first leap back into the dating game. He seemed legit. Very handsome, good job, nice car, and he thought I was gorgeous. I should have assumed he was out of his mind at that moment in time. We went out on three pretty awesome dates - he actually courted me like I was a lady! This could have definitely had potential. I made the mistake of engaging in sexy time after date #3 and was left more than just a little disappointed. These things can be worked with though, right? Let's just say it was a little too jackrabbity for any woman's liking. Word to the wise gents: TAKE YOUR TIME. The va-jay isn't going to run away from you.

Turns out he denied me date number 4 because he claimed I was too dramatic for him. The reason for being called dramatic? I allowed a friend to get drunk in my house after he had a bad fight with his girlfriend. I was told that I meddle in other people's relationships, that I have poor judgement, and poor insight.

REALLY!? Remind me not to call you when I'm down and out.

I hope your pathetic inability to please a woman causes your penis to fall off. Trust me, you're the only one who would miss it anyway.

In lighter news, I did get hit on by an old creeper at TGI Friday's the other day. He attempted to smooth talk me, and then he fell over a chair. At least I can always count on these winners to boost my self esteem.