You've Got it Made

The battle of the sexes has been a long standing debate for decades. Longer actually. I'm pretty sure Freud had his own take on the gender battle (penis envy anyone?). Books have been popping up on Barnes and Noble's shelves for as long as I remember. Men are from Mars; Women are from venus, right? So, here comes the age old question: whose life is easier and whose life is harder? I don't want to point fingers at men about how easy their lives are; they've got their own set of issues. I certainly wouldn't like to know what it feels like to get kicked in the balls. I just don't think men truly grasp just how much more pleasant life is for them. I know I hear men complaining about having to foot the bill on dates, and about juggling multiple women at a time without them finding out about one another, and about learning how to fix things around the house so their penis feels bigger, but really, none of that compares to what it's like to live with a yeast infection.

Call me biased, but I definitely think women have the short end of the stick, and I'm not just saying that because I own a vagina. I asked a number of men to name things that suck about being a man and all of their responses were so typical and superficial.

Complaints from men:
1. Having to be the first one to go out and check for danger - we ruined our once flat stomachs and tight asses to house and birth your children. Grab the baseball bat and take your ass downstairs to see what that noise was.

2. Not being able to stay home and take care of the kids - by all means, please stay home. Guaranteed you'll resent me working all the time, and for not spending enough time with the family and you will inevitably feel like less of a man for staying home and changing diapers. Don't worry honey, I promise you that your penis is still the same size. It'll be okay.

3. Insurance is higher and we die younger - I just spent the past 12 hours huddled into a ball full of nausea and unbearable cramps. Fuck you and your higher insurance. I'd also gladly shave a couple of years off my life if it meant I didn't have to go fake labor every single month for three quarters of my life.

4. Inevitable, irreversible loss of hair - last time I checked, women lose their hair too. Plus we can't get away with shaving our heads without looking like a cancer patient. Bald men are cool. Look at Bruce Willis. Suck it.

5. Pressure to provide for your family - in these times, both parents are full-time working adults, yet it's still typically the woman who gets the kids to school, gets home on time, cooks for the family, cleans up the house, does homework with the children and gets pulled away from life every time Junior has a tummy ache. You get no sympathy!

6. That damn "honey-do" list - I'm pretty sure we're making you feel more like a man by solving our household problems and opening the pickle jars. Don't act like you hate it. We're really doing you a favor by stroking your super manly and insecure egos.

7. Sexual satisfaction is solely on us - trust me, if it was as simple as a breeze hitting my vag in just the right way to satisfy me too, I wouldn't need your help.

8. The expectation to be "manly" all the time - I can't speak for other women, but a man whose vulnerable enough to be emotional in front of me is sexy and inviting. This shows me that you might be one of the few that actually has a soul. Maybe it'll also mean you'll listen to me when I'm talking. I don't want to get ahead of myself though.

9. Expectation from society - oh pah-leeeeze! Women don't have societal expectations?! I was raised to be just as educated as you. I went to school like you. I developed a well rounded sense of being like you. I have an amazing career like you. Yet, I'm still obligated to maintain our house, raise our children, and look like a super model while doing it. Plus sized models are now a size 6. Does anyone realize how detrimental this is to a woman's self esteem? I'd be quick to stab you in the jugular to obtain a size 6 waistline.

10. Having to deal with women, who are by nature, annoying and irrational - how can I put this politely? Go fuck yourself. When was the last time you bled for a week and felt rational? Get back to me when that happens.

Okay - I know women are hard to tolerate sometimes. I will be the first to admit that dealing with a woman who doesn't think she's nuts is probably the worst kind of woman to be around. I would like to point out that I am not in denial, nor am I ignorant to the cold hard fact that I am out of my fucking mind, and absolutely annoying. I mean, if I can annoy myself, I can only imagine how other people are tolerating me. Keep something in mind though (and I've mentioned this before): this isn't exactly our faults. This is biology. Our hormonal cycle changes literally every, single day that we are alive. Men don't have to deal with this. You'd be all emotional and batty too if your hormone levels were at a civil war inside your uterus.

And as if ruining our bodies for babies, dealing with cramps, shoving mounds of cotton inside to stop the  blood festival, and developing an array of horrifying vaginal infections every time we take an antibiotic wasn't bad enough. Let's keep in mind that cancer causing STD's are from men. They host the disease and infect unsuspecting uteruses (uteri? uteruses? I digress) with cancer causing HPV. Not okay. I don't see how that is sexually satisfying at all. I'll take that cold breeze any day now.

Trapped in the Closet

I love that the tolerance levels for homosexuality have come leaps and bounds within my short life time. I remember not too long ago when I was in high school, a guy would have been ridiculed endlessly for being gay, or even being perceived as gay. While my sister, who is currently a sophomore in high school, tells me that there are a ton of openly gay kids in her school. Granted, my sister and I have always lived in highly populated areas with culture closeby and MTV on 24/7, so I can only speak from my own personal encounters.

With acceptance in the air and objective attitudes blossoming with our pollen filled trees, why do I still come across so many closet cases? Grown men that are so trapped in the closet they can't help but sing R. Kelly songs. It is in my expert opinion that there are far too many gay men hiding amongst the straight men. You see these men prancing on posies, trying to convince us single girls that they love them some ladies, when really they are as straight as a circle. I know for a fact that I have better than exceptional gay-dar and I will be the first girl to say that I love me some gay men. They are a girl's best friend: less bitchy than a woman and you can still talk about how hot Vin Diesel was in Fast Five without a second thought.

So, why would anyone be so ashamed of their sexuality that they have to pretend to be something they arent? There are so many perks involved with being gay. Yes... perks:

1. You will have so many female friends in your life you won't know what to do with yourself. And all of them will most likely feel comfortable changing in front of you.
2. With all of the naked ladies around, you're bound to expand your social circle with straight men who want to be around all of the nakedness. Who doesn't love having large social circles?
3. Nine times out of ten, you'll have fashion sense.
4. You can have sex at the gym!
5. You can have sex at the club!
6. You can have sex and not have to cuddle afterwards!

There are far too many of these closeted men clogging up my Match.com inbox, Facebook wall, Twitter feed and life in general. What's the big deal, fellas!? Love who you want to love!

I may have met a few suspects in my time, but one of them takes the mother of all cakes. I met him at a friend's house party and within seconds of seeing him, the gay light was flashing so bright I could barely see anything. Perhaps it was the just array of mismatched bracelets and shiny shirt that was blinding me. Either way, he was clearly not playing for my team. I paid him no mind, but by the end of the night, he asked me for my phone number. After I gave it to him, I pulled my friend aside and asked just how gay this guy was. According to her, he was a straight arrow, and was even married for many years. Okay - because a married guy couldn't possibly be gay. Thanks.

My main issue with this guy was that he was the most irritating human being I've ever met. There was a brief moment when I thought he might be straight because the bitchier I was to him, the more he tried to hit on me; a paradox amongst men that I will never understand. Shortly after his awkward passes at me, he confessed he was engaged... to a woman. This is where my second issue with him developed: he was clearly a lying douche bag. Nevertheless, he still pursued, claiming that he didn't love this woman and he broke up with her. Whatever you say buddy.

Like a lot of people I know, I have questioned my sexuality at one point or another. I clearly know when I see a hot chick. I have kissed a lady or two in my time, with or without alcohol involved. These are things I am not ashamed of; it's all part of getting to know our selves as we grow. I know damn well and whole heartedly that I love men more than I probably should. So, I think it's fair to say that I'm about 98% straight, give or take a cocktail.

So, when house party guy told me that...

a. he watches gay porn
b. is attracted to trannys and
c. has gotten multiple special kisses from men and trannys

...my reaction wasn't one of shock. I looked at him and said "I knew you were gay". He quickly dismissed my statement, and said "I'm not gay; I'm religious".

Wait... what?! So, God doesn't want you to be gay, so instead you thought it was better to be a liar? And a cheater? And an over all douche bag? I thought God didn't take too kindly to those sorts of things.

He ended up marrying that woman he was engaged to, even though he was consistantly cheating on her with dudes. Talk about ruining the sanctity of marriage. Ladies, open your eyes! We need to stop enabling these men, and kick them out of the closet. Let us stop making excuses for these guys; no, he is not just "really sensitive", his voice is that high for a reason, and it is not cute that he owns more purses than you.