You are NOT a Professional

I can't help but cringe everytime I utter the words "I have a blog". Everytime I happen to mention to someone that I write, and follow up the statement by some how pointing out that my writing is done on a blog, I get this half cocked look from people, dripping with judgemental disdain. Online blogs have done to writers what YouTube has done to musicians: everyone thinks they have an original talent to share with the world. I'm sorry your mother, or dear Aunt Agnes could never bear to tell you that you're tone deaf, but let me make things clear to you Miss YouTube phenom... you suck. You're not talened, and you're not even pretty enough to fake being talented. Please sit down, step away from the front of the camera and point it at something worth watching, like an ant hill. At least the ants are doing something productive with their lives. So, similar to these musicial YouTube geniuses, most bloggers have zero writing ability. There are a plethora of blog sites out there; so much so now it's almost embarassing. Aside from sites dedicated to blogging, all credible online newspapers and magazine have blogs too, for their already paid journalists to write about what they had for lunch today.

(How many times do you think I can say the word blog during this entry?)

I'm definitely not going to sit here and pretend like everyone should be interested in what I have to say. Really, my blog is the Seinfeld of all blogs: it truly is about nothing. I can string some words together eloquently enough that they might make you giggle, but that's really all I have going for me. I'm an active complainer in writing form, just not in that whiney way that makes you want to poke your eyes out and rock in the corner. I add a cheery, positive spin to my words.

I do have a snobbish opinion of the articles I like to read, and I will not be afraid to voice my opinion. There are some rules that should be standard when writing a blog.

1. Please know and understand basic grammar. If you're in your 20s or older with a college degree and still don't know the difference between "to", "too" and "two" or "they're", "their" and "there", you need to stop writing immediately and go try to breathe underwater.

2. Do not write a blog that is just one big negative rant about the world and how horrible it is and that there is a giant black cloud of death over your life. Bad things happen to everyone; suck it up.

3. If your blog starts off with anything like "mm well what should I write today!? I don't know what to say", please warn me in advance so I can take a Prozac.

4. Please keep your eating disorder between you and your therapist. Documenting your daily caloric intake of 500 or less, while posting pictures of your rib cage and screaming that you're fatter than Kirstie Alley isn't what I would call "relevent reading material".

5. Accept the fact that you may not be that talented. It's okay, but maybe writing just isn't your thing. You don't see me running around tattooing people, or fixing cars. Want to know why? It's because I can't, and I accept my level of ability. Stop lying to yourself.

I've seen blogs that are truely original, edgy and make-your-sides-ache hysterical and I realize that I will never write like those people. I'm sure there's a niche for my style somewhere in the world though. What other creative outlet would I have, if not writing in a blog like the rest of the schmoes out here? Until I can actually figure out a way to make a living off of my thoughts and words, I suppose I'm stuck with your judgement.