You are NOT a Professional

I can't help but cringe everytime I utter the words "I have a blog". Everytime I happen to mention to someone that I write, and follow up the statement by some how pointing out that my writing is done on a blog, I get this half cocked look from people, dripping with judgemental disdain. Online blogs have done to writers what YouTube has done to musicians: everyone thinks they have an original talent to share with the world. I'm sorry your mother, or dear Aunt Agnes could never bear to tell you that you're tone deaf, but let me make things clear to you Miss YouTube phenom... you suck. You're not talened, and you're not even pretty enough to fake being talented. Please sit down, step away from the front of the camera and point it at something worth watching, like an ant hill. At least the ants are doing something productive with their lives. So, similar to these musicial YouTube geniuses, most bloggers have zero writing ability. There are a plethora of blog sites out there; so much so now it's almost embarassing. Aside from sites dedicated to blogging, all credible online newspapers and magazine have blogs too, for their already paid journalists to write about what they had for lunch today.

(How many times do you think I can say the word blog during this entry?)

I'm definitely not going to sit here and pretend like everyone should be interested in what I have to say. Really, my blog is the Seinfeld of all blogs: it truly is about nothing. I can string some words together eloquently enough that they might make you giggle, but that's really all I have going for me. I'm an active complainer in writing form, just not in that whiney way that makes you want to poke your eyes out and rock in the corner. I add a cheery, positive spin to my words.

I do have a snobbish opinion of the articles I like to read, and I will not be afraid to voice my opinion. There are some rules that should be standard when writing a blog.

1. Please know and understand basic grammar. If you're in your 20s or older with a college degree and still don't know the difference between "to", "too" and "two" or "they're", "their" and "there", you need to stop writing immediately and go try to breathe underwater.

2. Do not write a blog that is just one big negative rant about the world and how horrible it is and that there is a giant black cloud of death over your life. Bad things happen to everyone; suck it up.

3. If your blog starts off with anything like "mm well what should I write today!? I don't know what to say", please warn me in advance so I can take a Prozac.

4. Please keep your eating disorder between you and your therapist. Documenting your daily caloric intake of 500 or less, while posting pictures of your rib cage and screaming that you're fatter than Kirstie Alley isn't what I would call "relevent reading material".

5. Accept the fact that you may not be that talented. It's okay, but maybe writing just isn't your thing. You don't see me running around tattooing people, or fixing cars. Want to know why? It's because I can't, and I accept my level of ability. Stop lying to yourself.

I've seen blogs that are truely original, edgy and make-your-sides-ache hysterical and I realize that I will never write like those people. I'm sure there's a niche for my style somewhere in the world though. What other creative outlet would I have, if not writing in a blog like the rest of the schmoes out here? Until I can actually figure out a way to make a living off of my thoughts and words, I suppose I'm stuck with your judgement.

Rosetta Stone, Anyone?

No matter where you live you will encounter different accents and dialects that are native to the surrounding area in which you reside. Having spent most of my life growing up in New York, I never realized that some sayings I've known as normal were considered slang to outsiders. I was told yesterday that the New York lingo is too commercial,  but I beg to differ. It may be confused with being commercial only because all awesome famous people tend to hail from New York, so movies are frequently about New York and good hip hop generally reflects the urban vernacular of my home city. I swear I'm not biased.

I spent a few years during high school living in Flagstaff, AZ and the only word that made it's way into daily usage was "dude", which I never said before living there. Flagstaff doesn't have slang, at least not from what I can remember. I think it's because everyone is so laid back, and the air is so thin on top of that mountain that no one can come up with some their own distinctive jargon. I did of course run into the accent difference there. Arizonans have the non-accent accent; they all sound like newscasters. I, on the other hand, do not. While I don't have a very heavy accent, it's still there and noticeable. I can't begin to tell you how many times people would ask me to recite things to them, or have me repeat words so they could giggle at me in amazement like I was some kind of science experiment gone horribly wrong. I hope all those people amounted to nothing.

After living in Northern Virginia for a little over ten months now, I've learned that the people of the DMV (aka DC, Maryland, Virginia) sound... unique. I need a personal translator to talk to my own cousins. I went out to a gathering in DC once, and sat there astounded that I could only grasp about a third of what the conversation was about. If you thought New Yorkers spoke fast, think again. Not only do the DMVers speak faster than New Yorkers but they all sound like they have marbles in their mouths.

  

I would now like to demonstrate some sample sentences you are likely to hear on any given day here in the delightful DC Metro area:

1. "Ugh! Look at his shape-up...and his beat-up Pro Wings. Hes such a bamma"

2. "She's the complete package; looks, smarts and she cool to be around. I had to bun her"

3. "I dared him to touch her butt, but he a gump"
4. "Did u see that dudes shape-up? They was joning at the lunch table all period"
5. "Ima ja blown cuz I went over her house, and her parents were there, so I couldn't smash"
6. "During my free periods, we just be walking around or straight lunchin, cuz we be bored"
7. "Young, Im sick of school" (which is similar too...)
8. "Chill out, joe. It ain't even that serious"
9. "Why you fakin like you got money when you are really as broke as the rest of us?"
10. "That joint was jive tight"

I had to steal all of the above from someone online who was knowledgeable in DC gobbledygook because I feared my brain might have imploded if I attempted to come up with my own sentences. It's easier to figure out some of the meanings when you get to read it; hearing it in live action is a different story. Unfortunately, some of them make absolutely no sense no matter what. I can't comprehend how and/or why people came up with any of these sayings. I'll keep things spicy though and let you figure out the definitions yourself.

Aside from the above issues, there are some strange pronunciation issues here too. The one I would like to make special note of are the names Aaron/Erin or the word Area. First off, to me, the names Aaron and Erin sound dramatically different. I do know in Arizona these names were pronounced the same, but you could still make out what the name was. Down here, however, it's not quite so simple.

New York: Aaron - AAH-ren and Erin - EH-rin

Arizona: Aaron and Erin - AIR-ren

DMV: Aaron and Erin - ERRRRRN

(sounds like an exaggerated "urn", you know, that pretty vase that holds the remains of your dead Uncle Stu)

NY and Arizona: Area - AIR-re-yah

DMV: Area - ERRRR-re-yah

Also, take note that all the words mentioned in the numbered sentences may not be pronounced like a normal human. Take the word joint, for example. We run into the same pronunciation problem with joint as we do with Aaron, Erin and Area. Joint sounds like "jerrrr-nt".

Now, I could almost understand how Aaron and Erin get pronounced so strangely since they both end with the similar sounding "-ren". If we stretched the imagination, I could also almost understand the Area pronunciation. Joint, on the other hand, has no "r" present. There is no logical reason to insert an embellished sound that has no reason for being there!

You people make no sense. I'll stick to my over-commercialized ways. At least everyone understands me.